I was sitting here thinking about my obsessive nature*…the fact that, when I like something, I want to do/eat/watch ALL of it RIGHT NOW! I watch whole seasons of Entourage and Dexter in one sitting, read 7 books series’ in a couple of weeks instead of savouring them, even knowing that the next book isn’t out until APRIL 2010 (don’t judge!). I’m an instant gratification junkie…which is funny, because there are other places where there’s nothing I like better than making someone else wait for it…lol. But I digress…
Problem is, however aware I am that this is not the way to do things, and I AM aware of that, I find it very difficult not to give in to that feeling. For example, one of my habitual obsessions is people. I find something I like in someone and I then want to own them. Find out every detail, read everything they’ve ever written, hear all their stories…consume them. Depending on the situation, I go right ahead and do just that. Which is fine so long as this does not involve the actual person (like say, blogger crushes where it manifests as nothing more than compulsively reading archives and such). But this need makes me send random strangers pictures of my ass more um, direct than I usually would be and while I am aware that this can make some people uncomfortable, the feeling that I can somehow translate my want into theirs, if only I try hard enough, can be very persuasive.
Then, later, you come to the other problem this causes for me which is the let down when there is no MORE left to learn. With people, this seems to lead to me looking around for the next new thing…which I’m sure you can guess, does not go over well with people I married am with. It’s not a case of discarding the old…I have plenty of room in the trophy case that is my heart for everyone as long as you’re willing to put up with my attention wandering and being intensely absent for periods of time. Which most people aren’t. I’ve always wondered if/hoped that polyamory would be the answer**. But I am scared to find out…because what if THAT doesn’t work for me either…?
No answers on this one…just more questions. I guess that’s good though; kinda what I’m doing here!
*This post may seem kinda random…well, it is and it isn’t. I started out thinking about dating (which was what my last post was about) and the new boy I’ve met. And, since I’m a *bit* um, focussed on him right now, that naturally led to pondering the other person I’m really into at the moment. Which then lead to thoughts on my addictions to certain people…
**And I know that would take a lot of work…and open, honest communication. I’m aware that I’m probably not ready for that kind of thing…just saying, I’ve always wanted to work towards that but never had an opportunity…’til now (maybe).
So, I said in the last post that I’ve never dated…I’m betting, had I any readers, you’d be shaking your heads and saying, “So sad…and she seems like such a nice girl…such a pretty face.”. :oP
Lemme clarify. It’s not that I’ve been celebate or that I live alone with my hundreds of cats (2, only two…plus two rats…shut up!), it’s just that I’m a relationship girl. And I have some trouble with impulse control. Put those together and you get insta-relationship! Meaning that when I meet someone I like, I fall hard and fast and if they feel the same way, we end up committed pretty quickly. No getting-to-know you chit-chat over coffee…or dinner…just, “Wanna move in?”. To be fair, THAT only happened once and we were then together for fourteen years so…
And then we weren’t anymore. Which was ugly. And hard and painful and sucked the kind of donkey balls that I won’t even try to describe here. Which then brings me to now…
Well, actually, it doesn’t. It brings me to the relationship that I went straight into with barely a pause after I left the marriage. Which is now over as well. Amicably, but I think we both knew it was never going to work…there was a lot of history to overcome (perhaps more on that later) and I think we were doomed from the beginning. Maybe that’s why I chose him…because I needed someone safe, someone I knew wasn’t going to be “the one”.
Anyway, NOW that brings us up to date! And to dating! :oD
When I decided it was time to start getting out there, I was a bit unsure of where to start looking. I’m not really much of a joiner so the idea that I might bump into someone by chance doing some sort of everyday activity seemed like it might take too long…I hate waiting! I spend a ridiculous amount of time on here so that just seemed like the next logical choice. And everyone’s doing it now so I didn’t have to feel like a freak if I ended up meeting someone that I liked and had to tell people how we met.
The next thing was to figure out which site to use. A lot of them seem very…sterile. Pure. Like God HIMSELF is there somewhere, on the other end of the interweebz, matching you up with the perfect man or woman for you! Intimidating! Plus, I am so not into that kind of thing…spirituality of some sort = good, organized religion = not for me. So, let’s just say, I went a different way based on my priorities and leave it at that.
Problem is, while certain things are priorities for me, this does not mean I want to see a picture of your junk in our very first email exchange! Suffice to say, I have reveived more than one of these types of missives, which have promptly (well, fairly promptly anyway) been saved for later perusal deleted. Thus begins the quest for a decent conversation. The way to my heart is through intelligent, clever, witty banter…no wait, that’s how to get in my pants. Pffft…same thing really.
And it’s a commodity that’s in severely short supply apparently. I get a lot of, “Can I see more pics?” and, “What are you wearing?” and, “Wanna come to my hotel room tonight?”. The answers are generally, no, a big rabbit suit (which frighteningly enough does not ALWAYS do the trick in letting people know I’m not interested!) and oh yes, can I please hook up with a random, possibly crazy stranger in a cheap hotel room, please? *sigh*
So, this is not going to be as easy as I’d hoped. That said, I have already spoken to a couple of nice men and I had dinner with one of them last week, as mentioned. I agreed to go out with him based on the almost effortless way we talked in chat and the fact that we never encountered any awkward silences, screaming to be filled. Dinner was pleasant and the conversation continued to flow so I’ve agreed to see him again although, I’m not sure about the chemistry part. I don’t think I felt any big sparks…but maybe that will come. Or maybe, HUGE sparks are not necessary right now as I’m just dabbling and getting my feet wet, so to speak.
The second boy man is a *little* younger than me. Fine. He’s 28 and I’m…well, NOT. But again, conversation is flowing and he’s clever, funny, intelligent…and cute. I already feel a *few* sparks with this one…could be the age thing adding a little er…spice. Whatever the case, I’m hoping to meet up with him this week to see if there’s anything there.
But I am TAKING IT SLOW. I don’t think the insta-relationship model works for me anymore, if it ever did. I’m hoping I can keep my shit together long enough to sample a selection of what’s out there before I close up shop again for another decade plus. Just maybe, take a shot at some stuff I’ve wanted to taste for a looong time but was too married or too chicken to try before… ;o)
Wish me luck!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — –Marianne Williamson
Different name, different host…same lack of anything interesting to say!
It’s funny, because at various times pretty much every day, I can think of a thousand (perhaps a *slight* exaggeration…just for effect, just to see how it feels) things that, were I in front of my blog at that precise moment, I could write an entry on. Then, when I actually do sit down to try to do just that *poof* all gone.
Or maybe it’s just that there are so many things to blog about that I’m overwhelmed before I even start. That is probably closer to the truth…
There’s the biggest thing…the fact that my mom was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer yesterday. Given 18 months. TOO big to really talk about. Right now, anyway.
Or, much more amusing…the fact that, although I am 38 years old and was married for 12 years, I went on my very first date EVER on Monday night. Ridiculous but true.
Or the fact, on a related note, that I have possibly the biggest, dopiest blog-crush ever…I am a smitten kitten. Never mind the billion miles that separate us or anything… *sigh*
Anyway, I’m excellent at reasons not to write…the current one being that I waited until my bedtime to start tonight, so obviously, I must cut it short and can’t get into anything too deep! lol Hey, the fact that I started at all is…well, something.